"To keep a marriage healthy, the first thing is to honor
the relationship itself. "-- Sobonfue Some "
What sets the affirming couple apart from others? After all,
most couples begin their relationship with a variety of shared, positive experiences
based on their mutual attraction and emerging love. One difference, however, is that
affirming couples (that is/ those in which the partners extend unconditional respect
and consideration to one another) have often witnessed other affirming relationships
while growing up. Their expectations and practical skills support their ability to
acknowledge and accept their partner, which may not be the case in relationships that
deteriorate over time. Partners who have not had the advantage of witnessing such a
relationship can also develop affirming attitudes through the practice of mutual respect.
The affirming couple emerges from the blissful, "honeymoon" phase of
their marriage with an awareness of both their similarities and differences. Rather than
fearing their differences/ they accept them and are even stimulated by them. Differences
that are threatening are acknowledged and discussed/ leading to growth in the deep
friendship that underlies their union. They begin to recognize what aspects of their
pre-relationship life no longer fit for them in this new relationship and make choices
of what to maintain and what to discard. Many see the opportunity for ongoing personal
and relationship renewal, and grow in their devotion to the relationship. Researcher
John Gottman (1994) points out that, in relationships of this type, the partners
exchange five loving comments for each critical comment!
Affirming couples look for ways to understand, support/ and share
affection. Threatening events, circumstances, and behaviors are not sidestepped; instead,
they are seen as opportunities to learn something about their partner and about their
relationship. The partners continually build their knowledge of each other's needs,
dreams, and fears; are assertive with and receptive to each other; and thoughtful
and creative about their dilemmas. As the relationship grows, the partners become aware
that they are creating something new and enduring.
When disagreements appear, affirming couples approach their differences by:
Attempting repair
They look for opportunities to mend the relationship, to clarify their dilemmas and differences,
and to make their conflicts mutual ones;
Softening criticism They find a way to express their concerns without blaming or nagging,
but as a means of clarifying and solving their mutual problems;
Self-soothingEach partner has a way to reduce the physical and emotional arousal that
emerges when they are threatened by their differences; and
Accepting each other's influence They are disposed to listening to and understanding
their partner's point of view and allow this to affect how they approach the disagreement.
Through dialogue, each partner works to discover the yearnings of the other.
In this way, they come to understand where their partner is "coming from." By listening to each
other's point of view, they are able to discover a middle ground with which they both can live.
Reference:
Gottman, J. (with Nan Silver). (1994).Why marriages succeed or fail: And how
you can make yours last. NY: Simon & Schuster.
Some, S. (1997).The spirit of intimacy.Berkeley, CA: Berkeley Hills Books.
Attempting repair
They look for opportunities to mend the relationship, to clarify their dilemmas and differences,
and to make their conflicts mutual ones;