From suburban parks to professional stadiums, team members
follow pre-established rules when playing baseball or football.
Boxing has the Marquis of Queensberry rules that turn what
might have been a melee into a sporting event. Precedents,
codes, policies, and regulations govern courts of law. Even
war has the Geneva Convention!
Soccer, of course, has rules by which the contestants play,
but the grandstands can be quite a different matter. Some
European soccer fans disregard the rules of social order,
and the result is chaos and rioting. The situation in these
soccer grandstands is similar to what can be found in many
families. Without a structure to help family members resolve
their conflicts, differences often result in arguments (at
best) and abuse (at worst). Adopting rules helps to create
an orderly way of discussing differences.
Developing Rules of Engagement
"Fair fighting," a concept introduced by Dr. George
Bach, introduces a set of rules that make reasonable discussion
possible. It does this by prescribing a format that allows
the parties to listen to one another as they express their
feelings and concerns in a calm and forthright manner. The
ultimate goal is for each to understand the other.
The rules of fair fighting:
Bar physical and verbal abuse;
Disallow offensive labeling of others' ideas, character,
or behavior;
Exclude assumptions about another's thinking or motives
(including talking for one another); and
Ban putting the relationship on the line, when you are not
having your way in the discussion.
The parties need to agree in advance on a specific set of
rules to follow and must establish these rules when calm.
The goal is for the discussion to be effective, rather than
give either party an opportunity to "get even,"
so drama is considered counter-productive. When the rules
are set, they should be written down so there is no confusion
later.
Here are some ideas to consider when developing your rules
of engagement:
Decide when - Identify a good time for your discussion.
Avoid times when tired, or when children may be listening,
or when stress may be looming. If it is a time when you are
both relaxed, it is likely to work better.
Decide where - Find a neutral location for your discussion.
Avoid discussions in your bed or in locations where you are
likely to be interrupted.
Decide what - Agree on the topic or the problem for
discussion beforehand.
• Limit the discussion to a single topic or problem.
Related issues make it too complicated for clarity.
• Focus on the present situation. Past history can
raise the emotional barometer.
• Make a short specific statement about your concern.
Vague and lengthy statements are hard to follow.
• Calmly state your feelings about the situation. Most
feeling words are variations on one of these themes: mad,
glad, sad, and scared. Again, if you can't name your feeling
calmly, delay the discussion until you can.
Decide how - Use active listening skills to
move toward the goals of understanding and compromise, as
follows:
• The person presenting the concern begins
by making a full statement, including content and feelings,
without interruption.
• The second person restates his or her understanding
of the first person's statement, without interruption.
• The first person either agrees that the second
person adequately restated the concern or clarifies the
part that was not understood.
• If necessary, the second person restates the
part that was clarified.
• When the first person finally agrees that
the second person understands, the second person has the
opportunity to respond.
• The first person restates until the second
person is satisfied that the first person understands.
• This active listening process continues until
both parties are satisfied that they understand each other.
• When each truly understands the other's concerns
and feelings, it is likely that some options or middle ground
will emerge that both parties "can live with."
The art of compromise is facilitated by the idea that each
party gets some of what he or she wants, but not all.
When a rule is violated, complain about the
violation. If it is not immediately resolved, declare
a time-out. Agree on a visual or verbal sign as a time-out
signal. Use healthy strategies (taking a walk, meditating,
moderate exercise) to calm down. Reschedule for a time when
both parties have calmed down.
Bar physical and verbal abuse;