How do you respond to other people? Do
you know the difference between assertion and aggression?
Is it ever appropriate to be aggressive or submissive? Which
style do you favor?
While growing up, we learn three styles
for meeting our needs: assertion, submission, and aggression.
Each style is necessary for dealing with the variety of situations
we experience. Problems emerge, however, when we are submissive
or aggressive in situations that call for assertion.
When inappropriately submissive, we deny our own needs and
rely on the good will of others or their need to control to
meet these needs.
When we are in the submissive mode, it is difficult to say
"no" when something does not suit us.
When inappropriately aggressive, we deny the needs of others
and may abuse the very people who can meet our needs for caring
and affection.
When we are in the aggressive mode, it is difficult to stay
calm and simply say, "I am angry" if someone invades
our space. We will, more likely, fly into a rage to express
our displeasure.
Three Response Styles
Submissive behavior may
be necessary or advisable when it is physically dangerous
or socially inappropriate to express oneself more directly.
Submissiveness is a problem, however, if it is our usual way
of responding to others. Submissive behavior seeks to avoid
conflict, risky situations, and confusion. Our communication
is emotionally dishonest when we do not directly express our
thoughts, feelings, and desires. We may withhold entirely
or express ourselves indirectly. We may say "yes"
to others when we want to say "no."
Submissiveness as a lifestyle revolves
around the belief that our rights to personal space or to
engage in efforts to meet our personal needs are subject to
the approval of others, When we are prevented from getting
what we require, we may try to meet our needs in a passive-aggressive
manner, or by withholding, guilt, manipulation, or sneakiness.
When we are submissive, we may blame ourselves
for this perceived denial of rights and attempt to calm the
situation with apologies or by talking around the point. We
may agree to do things we really do not want to do. Allowing
violations of boundaries, denial of rights, and exploitation,
coupled with an ignorance of our own needs, are all part of
a pattern of avoiding conflict and gaining the approval of
others. "You" statements, which proclaim innocence
and blame others, and assumptions that others should meet
our needs, avoid personal vulnerability and responsibility.
A reduced sense of "being alive," unsatisfactory
relationships, low self-esteem, martyrdom, negativity, disappointment,
hurt, not getting what we want, and periodic outbursts of
rage are characteristic consequences of submissiveness.
Aggressiveness may be necessary
when we have to defend ourselves against clear threats to
life or property, but can be a problem if it is our usual
style of response to others. Aggressive individuals seek to
dominate, regardless of the cost. We are aggressive when we
express ourselves at the expense of the rights and feelings
of others. Aggressive action relies on beliefs that we have
to fight for the right to our personal space or need satisfaction
and the only way to gain either is by physical or emotional
domination. We direct the resulting hostility at others, especially
anyone who may be standing in our way.
When we are aggressive, we may blame or
abuse others and violate their boundaries to get what we want.
When we are aggressive, we lack empathy. We are over-reactive
and often mean-spirited. "You" statements blur our
fears of domination, dependence, and vulnerability. We protect
ourselves by controlling others verbally, by raging, by humiliating
others, using put-downs, sarcasm, or the threat or reality
of physical or sexual violence. Avoidance of responsibility,
alienated and strained relationships, negativity, conflict,
anxiety, and low self-esteem are also characteristic of the
aggressive style.
Assertiveness conveys our
internal experience to others in direct ways that can be clearly
heard. It relies on our belief in our right to choose to have
and to express our own thoughts, feelings, and desires. Assertiveness
reflects our skill, ingenuity, and energy: (1) to protect
our personal space and sense of identity against the intrusions
of others; and (2) to manage our environment for the purpose
of meeting our own needs. Angry outbursts, the abuse of power,
and the domination of others are not assertive actions. Assertive
acts involve maintaining our integrity and our respect for
others. Assertion requires learning these skills and dispositions.
Assertive people:
Express themselves in an emotionally honest way, directly
revealing ownership of their feelings and needs when deemed
appropriate through the use of first person statements ("I"
statements);
Are clear about their detachment from others, including the
calm use of "no" in refusals;
Do not compromise their own dignity or integrity or that of
others;
Take the feelings and rights of others into account and let
them know they have been heard;
Are able to deal with compliments or criticisms as pleasing
or useful information;
Are open to feedback and learning opportunities;
Accept the reality of their vulnerability, the need to maintain
their boundaries, and to know themselves;
Assume and accept that people have different ways of satisfying
their needs;
Understand that differences and conflict between people are
inevitable, and that compromise is negotiable; and
Develop listening, problem-solving, and mediation skills so
that they can meet their needs without resorting to manipulation,
domination, or denying the needs of others.
The consequence of assertive acts is the
sense of being "in charge" of one's own life, a
heightened self-esteem, reduced anxiety, and more fulfilling
relationships, regardless of whether or not we get what we
want all the time. No one is always assertive, nor would that
be appropriate. The question is whether we choose to be assertive
when it is appropriate to be so.
When inappropriately submissive, we deny our own needs and
rely on the good will of others or their need to control to
meet these needs.