Have you wondered why some people are
more effective in getting what they want than other people?
What are they doing that makes them effective? What distinguishes
them from people who walk over others or who get walked on?
Assertiveness is an expression of self-control.
It involves knowing what we want, believing in our right to
want it, and asking for it without requiring that we have
our way. Likewise, when we do not want something, we can say
"no," protect ourselves, and detach from over-involvement
in the situation.
While saying "no" and "yes"
are essential skills, most of us live in a context in which
others' needs may conflict or compete with our own. So, while
it is important to assert ourselves and maintain our personal
boundaries, we need to find ways to blend these actions with
respect for others. Empathy skills are crucial in this regard,
as they permit us to put ourselves in another person's shoes.
Two Skills Underlying Assertion
Once we believe we have the "right"
to behave in our own interest, the skills of detachment and
empathy make it possible to act assertively.
Detachment involves the ability to separate
oneself emotionally from others. Detaching represents an ongoing
recognition of the difference between "I" and "you,"
the willingness and ability to say "no" when others
intrude on our personal space, and to recognize our unique
needs, which may differ from others with whom we are personally
involved.
Detaching from others requires:
Appreciating that our experience of events differs
from that of others; Accepting these differences; Knowing our limits and maintaining our boundaries against
the abuse of others as well as our own self-abuse; Knowing our own needs and acting responsibly to meet
them by pleasing ourselves;
Maintaining clarity about how we are different from others
by understanding that, when others talk about us, they are
telling us about themselves, and what we especially dislike
about others we fear in ourselves; Valuing learning over perfection in behavior; and Understanding that we all make a contribution to all
the situations in which we are involved, allowing learning
instead of blaming.
Empathy involves the ability to view situations
from the vantage point of another person. We are comfortable
detaching ourselves momentarily from our own needs and listening
carefully to what the other person says (and does not say).
We observe relevant body language and the surroundings (for
example, other people, prior remarks, noise, light, background,
etc.). When we listen so well that we can report back to the
speaker the sense of what he or she has said without interpretation
or distortion, we are conveying empathy.
The greatest barrier to good listening
is thinking we already are good listeners. Good listening
requires practice and feedback. People learn that listening
requires attentiveness to others and putting on the back burner
thoughts of how to respond. The act of listening puts us in
the position of knowing where the other person is "coming
from." When we share such understanding, the other person
feels heard and respected.
By knowing when to detach and when to
empathize, we are in a much better position to assert ourselves
appropriately and more likely to get what we want.
Appreciating that our experience of events differs
from that of others;