Have you wondered about what self-esteem is and how
to get more of it? Do you think your self-esteem is low? Do
you know how to tell? Do you know what to do about it?
Self-esteem is the assessment we make about our worth as
persons. This judgment relies on how well we "know ourselves."
The more we know, the better we feel. This is true because
self-esteem is our appraisal of the effectiveness and the
quality of our lives. But, like happiness or peace, self-esteem
is a byproduct of how we live our life, not a goal in itself.
Positive self-esteem is an affirmative evaluation of our worth as
a person,not a "feel good " state. It means
we have enough self-knowledge to understand
our needs and " who we are." We believe in ourselves, and we are
diligent about self-care. This self-knowledge is essential to
becoming more fully human, dealing with life's problems, and
developing respectful and loving relationships. We have confidence
in our intuitive inner voice. This confidence is a result of our
willingness to face life as it is; to be open to change when
necessary; to accept meaningful achievement; to receive support
from others; to take assertive action; and to learn from experience.
Low self-esteem is a negative evaluation of oneself. This
type of evaluation usually occurs when some circumstance encountered
in our life touches on our sensitivities. We personalize the
incident and experience physical, emotional, and cognitive
arousal. This is so alarming and confusing that we usually
respond impulsively with a self-defeating or self-destructive
result. We are upset or emotionally blocked; our thinking
narrows; our self-care deteriorates; we lose our sense of
self; we fear loss of control, and become self-absorbed.
Self-esteem is not set in stone. Raising it is possible,
but not easy. Curtailing any addiction or negative habit
(for example, gambling, food bingeing) begins the process of growth.
Self-care provides the means. Though some of this work may require
the aid of a psychotherapist, some or all of it can be accomplished
with persistence and awareness. The following steps are progressive,
that is each step depends on successfully solving the challenges of
prior steps.
Sobriety -- Addictions to alcohol,
drugs, and nicotine as well as dependence on negative habits block
learning and drag down our mood. Cravings die hard,
but they do respond to plans that include owning one's addiction,
reaching out for emotional support, leaning sobriety skills,
and practicing self-care. Get help via self-help groups
(Self-Help Directory) to stop self-destructive behaviors.
Identify addictions and negative habits and replace them with self-care.
Practice self-care-- By taking care of ourselves we make a growth-affirming
declaration. Make new lifestyle choices by practicing positive
health care (for example, diet, exercise, relaxation, learning
to assert yourself, managing stress, and practicing relapse
prevention).
Identify triggers to low
self-esteem-
Certain stressful events (e.g., criticism) trigger mental confusion
and physical arousal. Inferring a mistaken negative personal meaning
to the event, we act impulsively often in a self-defeating way.
Each event can, instead, be a chance to learn about ourselves,
To do so we need to slow our impulses, face our fear, and
identify the negative core beliefs about ourselves that sustain the
mistaken meanings.
Slow impulses -- Targeting self-
defeating impulses is the key to reducing personalizing. We can begin
to interfere with these impulsive actions by using relaxation
and stress management techniques. By sorting out the confusion,
the three-step procedure below reduces the physical arousal, provides
a way to interrupt automatic reactions, and puts into play a technique
to face the shame and acknowledge the fears at the root of low self-esteem.
1. Stop and take notice - Pay attention to the familiarity
of the impulse and the physical arousal that accompanies it. Our tendency
is to continue to overreact in the same way to the same incident. Awareness
of the similarity can be the cue to slow our reactivity.
2. Acknowledge reaction - Verbalize, "Here I
go again [describe action, feeling, thought] . . . "Actively
do something with the awareness rather than passively note
it. The result is to slow the impulse and give ourselves a
choice about how we want to respond.
3. Choose response - Holding off self-defeating impulses,
liberates us to act in a self-caring and effective way.
By choosing to act in a more functional way, we take a step toward
dealing with our fears and learning from our experience in doing so.
Develop skills--- As these self-control skills grow we make our self-esteem more lasting.
1.Experience feelings - "Feel" feelings
in your body and identify your needs. When we do not respect
our feelings, we are left to rely on what others want and
believe.
2. Optional thinking - End either/or thinking. Think
in "shades of gray" and learn to reframe meanings.
By giving ourselves options, we open ourselves to new possibilities
about how to think about our dilemmas.
3. Detachment - End all abuse; say "no"
to misrepresentations and assumptions. By maintaining personal
boundaries, we discourage abuse by others and assert our separateness.
4. Assertion - Voice what you see, feel, and want
by making "I" statements. By expressing our thoughts,
feelings, and desires in a direct and honest manner, we show
that we are in charge of our lives.
5. Receptivity - End self-absorption; listen to the
words and meanings of other people in order to restate them.
In this way, we act with awareness of our contribution to
events as well as become sensitive to the needs of others.
Provide for your own safety, engender hope, tolerate confusion,
and value yourself by learning and using all of these skills.
Practice on your own and find help when you need it (self-help
groups, psychotherapy, friends, or family members). Find your
path now to lasting self-esteem.
