Self-esteem exists on five levels. Our personal skill in
dealing with life's dilemmas distinguishes one level from
another. These skill levels are progressive in the sense
that we grow from an insufficiency of skill to increasing
skill sufficiency. Lower level skills are to be achieved
before we are able to approach higher-level skills. These
skill levels represent our increasing ability to deal with
our fears of confusion, stress, and change in a way that
leads to growth and competence. As we grow and get to "know
ourselves," we gradually gain a sense of comfort, safety,
hope, and inner control we know as positive self-esteem. These
levels are defined as follows:
Level One
On this level we are not aware of being
victims of our own self-abuse, which usually has to do with
substance addiction or dependence on compulsive activities
(such as work-a-holism, sexual and relationship "addictions,"
spending compulsions, binge eating, gambling, controlling
others, and raging). Because addictions sop up so much of
the energy that needs to go into making changes, they must
be contained before working at higher levels. These addictions
and dependencies block our awareness of fear. In this way
they nullify the positive effect of any other way we may be
trying to grow.
Level Two On this level we begin the shift
from victim to survivor. Here we face the fear of doing
without the substance or habit. Facing the fear of doing
without these self-abusive actions increases cravings for
them in the short term. We feel two ways about containing
these habits. We experience both wanting to contain the
habit as well as wanting to return to it. This can be confusing.
Learning to deal with the resulting cravings and ending addictive
actions will, in the long run result in a reduction of shame and a more
positive self-esteem. Admitting our role in the problem,
developing a plan using self-care, self-soothing, distraction,
reaching out for support, and learning sobriety and relapse
prevention skills will help to tip the balance in favor of
containment. It also permits us to work effectively at the next level
where we can learn to incorporate other self-caring practices
into our lives.
Level Three By adopting self-affirming actions,
cravings become a less common experience. These positive
actions include such self-caring habits and ways of thinking
as: exercise, diet, maintaining appropriate weight, self-soothing
and relaxation, getting sufficient sleep, medical and
dental exams, avoidance of risky activities (including
safe sex), and maintaining a safe physical environment.
Figuring out how to begin and maintain self-caring activities is
the challenge at this level
Level Four Here we tackle our impulsive
personalizing of stressful events. We see how impulses
block our ability to face our fear of confusion, stress,
and change. We gain tools and skills to slow our impulses.
Addressing the negative beliefs at the core of our impulsive
actions is the challenge at this level. By reducing
the extent to which we personalize negative events and
impulsively respond to them, we improve our choices
to act in more positive and affirming ways. Becoming
aware of the consequences of our choices, we learn about
"who we are" whether our actions succeed or
fail.
Level Five
On this level we exchange our
negative and pessimistic view of ourselves for one that
is positive and affirming. We have heightened access to
our inner resources to enable us to deal with life's dilemmas
as a result of our active involvement in self-care and
our ability to slow our personalized responses to stress.
The challenge at this level is to restore the lost historical
connections between childhood abuse and neglect for which
we took responsibility and our mistaken negative core
beliefs. This does not occur overnight, but as the result
of a sustained process of facing our fears and learning
about our grief over the loss of childhood.
