Like Parent, Like Child: The Enduring
Influence of Family
By Stanley J. Gross, Ed.D.
Parents remain our touchstones - fellow travelers - even
after death. They are both missing and present. So when I
succeeded, I would glance sideways and see a snapshot of how
my father handled success: with wry pleasure and a strong
sense of the capriciousness of life. When I failed, I would
glance sideways and remember how he handled failure: with
grit and perspective. He got up, put on his tie, and went
back to work. "Well, it isn't cancer, "he would
say, until, of course, it was. -- Ellen Goodman, Boston
Globe, June 20, 1999.
How we act in our committed relationships is largely the
result of how we experienced relationships in our families-of-origin.
We often talk, walk, eat, think, and may even vote like our
parents. We may not realize, however, how influential they
have been. For some, it is only when dealing with their own
children that they first recognize these similarities.
In viewing a relationship, it is important to remember that
we carry this family from childhood within us, a "family
culture" made up of expectations about the world and
how to act in it.
There are three components of this culture, each learned
while growing up in our families:
• Roles, or the parts we play in our life with
others; • Family rules, which guide "appropriate"
action; and • Core beliefs, or the thoughts at the base of
our feelings and actions, which provide the standards against
which we evaluate our experience and ourselves.
In committed relationships, there is often a clash between
the family cultures each partner brings to the relationship;
the goal for the couple becomes one of creating a new, mutually
satisfying and meaningful family culture of their own. To
do this, the partners must become aware of how their family-of-origin
programmed their expectations.
Programming
We internalize family culture with our observations and our
learning, and what we learn in these early years takes on
an inflexible character about which we have little choice.
It is useful to name our early learning our "programming,"
since it is the source of much of our behavior in close relationships.
During childhood and into adulthood, we test and re-test our
programmed learning, opting to replicate it or reject it.
What this means, in general terms, is that we behave like
our parents or their perceived opposites and continue to do
so, without awareness, until life experiences allow (or force)
us to recognize alternatives to our programmed possibilities.
Conflict between partners who are deeply connected to one
another often serves to bring programmed behavior to light.
Conflict often occurs when the circumstances of the relationship
change as, for example, with the birth of the first child.
Partners who are clear about their own identities are the
most flexible and in the best position to deal with the discomfort
involved in change.
Creating a New Family Culture
Genuinely new (non-programmed) relationship behavior develops
out of recognizing and practicing fresh approaches to relationship
dilemmas while honoring the former value of older approaches
that no longer fit. This is evident when the partners perceive
they have choices a bout how they behave with each other.
Since the process of enlarging choices appears risky and confusing,
a strong degree of motivation is necessary to reconsider old
ways of doing things.
Whether and how the relationship survives the differences
in programming depends on the extent to which the partners
acknowledge and accept the reality of their different programming.
The test of acceptance is the willingness of each partner
to work with mutual respect on resolving immediate differences
and learning to live with enduring differences.
Immediate differences are usually more concrete and situation-specific,
such as where to go on vacation or who does what household
chore. These differences are usually resolved by problem-solving
and negotiation techniques.
Enduring differences are more general and develop out of
longstanding character traits and preferences, such as a liking
for particular sleeping arrangements, a dislike of shopping,
or a discomfort with confrontation. It often takes assertive
and empathic abilities for the partners to create the emotional
distance, understanding, and creativity to find ways to learn
to live with their differences.
Mediators and psychotherapists may be called upon to help
couples that have difficulty employing these techniques and
skills. Often, though, it is a matter of attitude toward change
and the strength of mutual desire to find a way to live together.
Couples who consider their differences to be the "work"
of their relationship are well on their way to developing
their own family culture.
