You and your partner are just
not seeing eye-to-eye on a particular issue. What others might
see as a difference of opinion instead feels like a personal
attack. If you and your partner don't calm down before attempting
to talk it out, you are each likely to behave in a way that
makes matters worse.
When faced with a perceived threat, some
people argue, others simply overreact, and still others push
their partner away emotionally. In some cases, people engage
in some combination of these reactions, either together or
one after the other.
Virginia Satir, in her book The New
Peoplemaking identified four "coping styles."
These coping styles (blaming, placating, intellectualizing,
and irrelevance) often operate outside of our awareness and
do, indeed, make matters worse. Satir advocated that we increase
our awareness of these styles and their effects.
Once we are aware, we have the opportunity
to be effective rather than reactive by responding to threat
in more constructive ways (that is, asserting rather than
blaming, listening rather than placating, detaching rather
than intellectualizing, and being self-caring rather than
irrelevant). An important part of being able to choose
is to realize there is a choice.
The following table will help you to clarify
typical approaches to threat and their more constructive alternatives:
Typical
Approaches to Threat
More
Constructive Alternatives
Blaming shifts responsibility
for threatening events from us to others. When we are
too concerned with the opinion of others, we blame them
to protect ourselves from their expected accusations.
In the belief that a good offense is the best defense,
we substitute anger for fear. Forms of blaming include:
discounting, stonewalling, contempt, hostility, nagging,
demanding, attacking, abusing, and criticizing.
Asserting ourselves means
we take responsibility for our contribution to the problem.
This means we make "I" statements about our
feelings, our views of the situation, and the meanings
we attach to events. We talk in a straight and direct
manner about these thoughts and feelings.
Placating
shifts responsibility for threats from others to self.
By blaming ourselves, we hope to keep the peace and protect
ourselves from the expected anger of other people. Giving
our personal power away, we avoid confrontation, become
anxious, appease others, allow abuse, discount our needs,
place others before ourselves, accept blame that is not
ours, and give in to unreasonable demands.
Listening to
others means we are open to learning all we can about
the situation, especially information from others involved
in the threatening incident. We act responsibly in the
situation by trying to understand how others perceive
the situation. We are able to restate the essence of another's
point of view when we have listened.
Intellectualizing diffuses
responsibility for threatening events. By being super-rational,
we distance ourselves emotionally uncomfortable feelings.
We focus on the objective, sound "intelligent,"
lecture, look correct, and behave "appropriately,"
all in an effort to conceal what we really feel.
Detaching
allows us to take responsibility, to separate ourselves
emotionally from others by not confusing their reactions
for ours. We recognize the differences between "I"
and "you," we are willing to say "no"
to violations of our personal space, and recognize our
responsibility for current events.
Irrelevance
creates confusion about who is responsible for what by
shifting attention to the illogical. When we act "off
the mark," we distance ourselves from uncomfortable
situations. Behaving like clowns, we may strive to become
the center of attention and distract others by interrupting,
acting erratically, behaving inappropriately, doing several
things at once, or shifting from one topic to another.
Self-caring
behavior is relevant, ""on the mark," and
focused on meeting our needs. We view our actions as self-first
rather than selfish. We appreciate confusion and discomfort
as a chance to learn something. Our actions have the purpose
of enhancing our lives and taking responsibility for life's
events.
How do you react to threat? Is your approach effective, or
would you like to explore an alternative? Keep these questions
in mind the next time you and your partner are at odds. An
effective response could be the first step on the road to
personal growth and improved communication in your relationship.
