We all hear the term self-esteem a lot, but there is a great
deal of confusion about its meaning. Unfortunately, the term
is bandied about without much precision. Here is what I mean
when I use it.
Self-esteem: What is it?
Self-esteem answers the question, "How do I feel about who I am?"
This gauge of our worth is based on two factors: The amount and type
of stress in our lives and how well we know ourselves. The less distress,
the more good stress, and the more self-knowledge, the better we feel about
ourselves. Thus, self-esteem is a byproduct of how we live our lives, much
like happiness or peace, not a goal in itself, .
Self-esteem is important in several ways. It plays a part in our sense
of personal vitality - our mental, emotional, and physical health. It
also connects to our competency and satisfaction in relationships, as
well as our productivity, morale, and stress at work.
How self-esteem develops
Self-knowledge develops over time as we experience life's stresses,
face our fears, and learn from these experiences. Self-knowledge
originates in our families-of-origin, we do not inherit it. Three
features of our childhood sustain lasting self-esteem: (1) We feel
special because we were valued for our uniqueness; (2) We feel safe
in our skin because we had clear yet flexible limits; and (3) Our
curiosity about what was happening in our world was stirred by
sufficient but not too much stimulation. The more self-knowledge we
acquired from facing stressful events, the more we learned "who we
were." Such knowledge helps us as adults to reduce our fears, assert our
wants, clarify our thinking, and make good choices.
Stress mobilizes the body's resources to deal with threat by
triggering physical, emotional, and cognitive arousal. Our reaction
to a stressful circumstance depends on how we view the event. Some
situations generate excitement and elicit curiosity, activity, and
learning. We usually approach these circumstances. Some circumstances
threaten our biological or safety needs. These often produce intense
fear and anger and trigger us to flee or fight them. Other situations
may be threatening, not because our survival is actually at stake (though
we may think it is), but because they are new or problematic in some
way. Our fearful reaction may be mild to intense and prompt us to approach
or avoid these circumstances, depending on the extent and meaning of the
threat. These fear reactions have a history in the sustained emotional
abuse or neglect we experienced in our families-of-origin. These experiences
need not to have been intense for them to bother us now. Being children, we
could neither understand nor remedy these events. Confused and unable to
care for ourselves, the best we could do was to hide. Subsequently, when we
became confused or freighted, we were unable to learn from the experience
and we did not grow in self-knowledge. We avoided familiar stressful
situations then. We continue to avoid similar incidents now.
Low self-esteem
The negative self-evaluation we know as low self-esteem comes from
these accumulated incidents of ongoing abuse or neglect. When coupled
with our belief as children that we were the center of the universe,
stressful incidents were interpreted as being our fault. Incidents of
confusion and discomfort became cues to remind us of past abuse and neglect.
We began punishing ourselves with negative self-judgment because the events
" proved " we were stupid, inadequate, unlovable, wrong, etc.
From those mistaken appraisals we acquired negative core beliefs about
ourselves (for example, "I am unlovable ") consistent with
our " failing." We felt shame and blocked conscious
awareness of these beliefs, keeping them secret even from our selves.
When current stress stirs one of our negative core beliefs, we again feel
shame and confusion. The stress cues the fear that our secret belief
in our failure will be revealed. The incident is transformed into something
personal about us (that is, we think it reflects on us). Aroused and fearful,
we act to avoid the incident. We try to gain control, but lose it instead.
We are impulsive, defensive, and suffer an abrupt loss of skill. Our
boundaries vanish. We overreact or shut down emotionally; our thinking narrows;
our self-care deteriorates; and we become self-absorbed.
For a description of self-esteem
stages and ways to raise it, click:
Levels of self-esteem